Turning point

Today was a good day. Daniel and I went on a date together. Now originally we had planned to go to visit a castle in the morning and then go to cosmos for lunch then to the cinema! 

Now I have been ill for 5 days and Danny really hasn't shown me much sympathy or been around which hurt me. This morning when it got to the time for us to get up, he realises that he is now ill and has caught my cold. I told him straight up, no sympathy from me - I've been fighting it alone for 5 days. He looked a little baffled and I told him how I felt about his actions the last couple of days. I could see he was taking this information in. 

Never the less me being me I was still super sweet to him and showed him extra kindness. 

We decided to modify our day a little and instead we did nothing as planned. First we went to decathlon and got Danny some snowboarding gear for his New Years trip to Austria. 

Jacket that he fell in live with even thought it's too big.. 

Jacket and trousers ( and some socks ) £105  which I decided to give him as a Christmas present. ( sale items really are the best ) 

We then went shopping around Edinburgh picked up a few things then i nipped into lush...

Whoops! Hehe some recent lush pictures..

Look at this suave man. 

Time

I feel as though I am going through a very difficult phase, perhaps I am changing again. They say it's hard to stay together as a young couple because of how much you change between 18-25 and when you hear it you think pfft how ? How is that possible? I have noticed a lot of things about myself that have changed and it's scary, the fear of the unknown I guess. 

I don't understand myself, I don't know what I'm thinking and that scares me a little. 

I still feel as though I'm make the majority of the effort but I'm trying not to let it get me down.. I just don't feel special. I feel as though Danny is too busy for me and too cool for me, he's not interested in what I do... Why do I think and feel like that?

I feel as though I am constantly waiting for him...

As I was feeling very negative I received two signs, see below. 

Meaning, either Danny will come back around or...?

Ok I get it.. I need to stop over thinking. Stop brain stop. Shhhh. No more

But I do wonder.. He keeps talking to all these girls again and I have a lot of guy friends that mean nothing so perhaps it's that but why now? When he barley had the time to see me ? Ok I just need to stop and take 5. 

Time will tell

Lucky in love

I'm glad Paul made me realise i was being silly.. So in love with this little bub. 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Wild-abobble

Back to reality

I met up with a very good friend this evening, Paul.

He always knows how to explain to me exactly what i'm thinking and sometimes maybe how over dramatic I am. I really want to take down a lot of what I have posted in the last 24 hrs but I also want to keep it as a reminder to myself of how wrong I can be, and also how dramatic about my thoughts. 

Paul put so many things into perspective for me, and made me realise my own thoughts and understand what I was really thinking.

You always have something that is a self esteem booster for you.. for me now it's my job which is why I have let my fitness slip, I used to use that to make myself feel better, then I got my promotion and now it's what drives me. For a long time Danny didn't have anything like that until he found his keen interest in working on cars with Aaron, which I think gave himself worth and self esteem that he was exceeding at something - yes they have approached him about a promotion at his work, but to him it's work it's not as rewarding to him the same way my work is too me. Which is why he spends so much time out of the house working on cars and now will presumably spend time on his fitness. 

At first I made a little grumble about him going to the gym on our date day, but now I understand, sacrificing that hour, might make the difference between, him being in a good mood and feeling great and him being grumpy and feeling crap.

Lesson 1 learned. Danny spending time without me is 50% down to his shifts, and 20% down to trying to make himself feel better.  I need to stop being so self involved, it has nothing to do with me.

Also, something i mentioned earlier, I need to start writing down what i'm feeling and evaluating it because I have a ver bad temper which can lead to un necessary arguments and apologies. 

I don't need Danny to spend a lot of money on me, I never have. Just thought. 

I really do have everything I need, I have a home, I have a family, I have friends, a great job, an amazing boyfriend and I smile everyday.

I need to start writing about the good things :-)

interesting article.

7 things he does if he loves you.


1. He Treats You Well
A guy who loves you is considerate of your feelings, needs and desires. He makes them as important as his desires and needs. He is concerned with your well-being and will do things to make your life better, sometimes going out of his way to do so. Not only does he treat you well, he is also good to your family and friends.

2. He Is Generous With His Time
He doesn’t let too much time go by without seeing you. When he is available, he wants to be with you and chooses to spend his time with you. If you’re in a long distance relationship, he is spending time with you whenever your schedules allow. And you are together during major holidays such as Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

3. He Makes You A Priority
You are at the forefront of his mind and he maintains contact in between the times you see each other. He considers you when making decisions and is considerate about doing things you want to do. When speaking, he uses “we” instead of “I”, and includes you in his future plans.

4. He Cares For You
A guy who loves you is genuinely happy for you when good things happen to you. He is compassionate when you’re going through challenges. This guy is there for you in the good and not so good times. He thinks about you and surprises you with tokens of affection outside of your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day. He will also challenge you by calling you out on stuff to help you become a better person.

5. He Wants People To Know About You
He is affectionate with you in public by holding your hand, putting his arm around you and/or hugging you. He is proud to be with you and has introduced you to his family and friends. He brings you to family functions and get-togethers with friends, and takes you to company events.

6. He Treats Your Relationship With Integrity
He is trustworthy and loyal to you and your relationship. He is upfront with you about his past girlfriends and skeletons in his closet. He does what he says and will let you know if he’s not able to. When issues come up, he is willing to work through them. Although he isn’t perfect, he tries to be a better man.

7. He Wants The Best For You
A guy who loves you encourages you to do things you love, even if it means doing these things without him. He wants you to spend time with family and friends. He encourages you to find and live your passions, knowing that if you are happy and engaged with life, you’ll be happy and engaged in your relationship with him.

Place less weight on his words and more weight on his behaviors and actions. A man’s behaviors and actions are more revealing and show if he loves you or not. It’s easier for a man to say, “I love you” because that’s what you want to hear. The true test of whether he loves you is if he exhibits the signs described earlier. When a man loves you, you won’t need to hear the words because you will just know.

I feel sad.

I don't know why I just feel super sad, I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears, which I did yesterday for no reason.

I've had this before and my partner at the time didn't take to well to it so I'm scared to tell Daniel, because he's all like ' I feel awesome, I feel great right now' and he's not been feeling great for a long time so this is a big deal for him.

He's just joined the gym and he's planing on going a lot ( yipee even more time away from me )

He's just booked Austria for NYE with his friend... I mean it's fine if were gonna be together a long time we need to do our own things too - but how is he gonna afford my birthday, our xmas and our 3 year anniversary and £700 ( flights & spending money) for this NYE. I feel like I will be getting a crap birthday and or anniversary present, and he literally mentioned it once then went ahead with it. Oh an he's going on holiday with his friends for two weeks next year.

Wait where do I come in? oh yeah.. i'll be here.

These should be our rules.

How sweet of this man to write this, and to understand what a woman needs.

http://www.vamshare.com/epic-marriage-advice-from-divorced-man/

Flashback

steve

"Was stupid enough to think things were gonna get better, this time I don't even know what to do.

Things seemed to be looking up and now there shit again.

Steve cooked me dinner as a cute gesture, it was the sweetest thing he has ever done for me, it was so lovely. We have had of amazing times recently like Lucas and breakfast at Dobbie's. and it was truly amazing when he surprised me by cooking me dinner

Right now I'm so angry, he is not trying to fix things, he just turned me down to meet him later to sort this out  wish he would take fucking control rather than just leave it. he is being unreasonable and childish I want us to move past it and he won't. "

This was a post that was sitting in my drafts from 2011 that I never finished or posted, i'm pretty sure we broke up not too long after this. Steve and I were arguing a lot and couldn't work things out and I was always frustrated because I felt like he wasn't trying hard enough or letting things go quickly enough, granted he did hold a grudge a lot longer than I do but I feel like i can finally see things from the other side where you don't have the energy to try or to move past things that bother you because you come to the realisation that maybe things aren't going to change?

I don't want things to end the same way where i just can't stop thinking negatively and get past the bad times, how do I make things work? Is it just our current living conditions? Cos i know this has been going on a looooong time - but then I think arguing is a normal part of a relationship - right?

I know I haven't really given Daniel a chance to prove himself and this is so soon after our big talk I'm just feeling very negative right now, and I wanted to try writing everything down this time and give things a chance to bloom rather than going crazy at the Dan man all the time. So from now on when something is upsetting me i'm going to write it down and then see how things unravel.

Like I said i'm feeling very negative at the moment so I think it would be good to let things cool off and keep my feelings to myself as I'm probably being very dramatic. There are so many things he does right too. Sometimes it's just hard for me to see them because I'm blinded by my own emotions.

"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again"

Awake my soul

My mind is crunching again.

So much going on, so many thoughts so many moments. 

First things first I LOVE my new job.. My team are amazing, the job is fun and I have so much responsibility.. I feel respected and I love going to work every day ( still ) 

I made new friends in work - the coffee club - it's nice to feel part of something again

Mette is the team lead along side me for SONOS and Paul and Seb are team leads for Nuance. We have fun and I love that they're all a lot older than me, makes the conversation a little different. 

This week in work I have been conducting a lot of interviews to expand our team. It's been exciting as a lot of it have done myself! 

Daniel and I are on strange terms again .. We're so happy but then there are things where when they happen they feel like deal breakers for me.. I get so angry and we do not understand eachother.. Like at all. 

For some reason Daniel has started staying out till 4 in the fucking morning etc just because he has days off and he's always at Aaron's like ALWAYS and I just don't know how to deal with it. I feel so angry at him for just never putting me first. 

We had a serious chat the other day and he had been different since then he's has been texting me nicer and a little sweeter.. I just feel resistance and I often wonder if we are a right match... Only when we are arguing though. When we are happy I think how can I ever think these thoughts. I just am so confused .. How long do you hold on? How long do you keep trying?

I remember thinking these thoughts with my ex and I'm just worried. 

How much do I invest?

There are just so many things that we disagree on and drive me mental I guess it's just a case of realising if I can live with them forever or not. 

" through the good and the bad we can concour it all, one day we're gonna come back an relive those thoughts, on day we will look at the past with love, with love "

------------------------------------------------

How do you know..

First of all.. Winterball.

Here's my dress :-) 

So Daniel and I talked again about the way things have been going and I feel like he is trying really hard but I feel almost as if it's too late and nothing's good enough. Which sounds really horrible but I'm just not happy and I can't figure out why. I also don't want to give up, I don't want to give up when I have someone who is fighting so hard for our relationship. 

Danny spends so much time not with me and it really makes me upset, he's always at his friends and he works difficult shifts. It's annoying because he now says he's going to work on all that but I just can't help the way I'm feeling and I really hope it's just a phase.. And ill snap out of it but I'm worried that things have finally gone to far and I just won't be happy again. 

I spoke to my dad and I asked him if when him and my mum first for together they spent a lot of time together and he said they always did, he said " you pave the way for your future " as in things don't change.. And what if they don't? What if few years down the line we have kids and Danny is still going of to his friends 5/7 nights a week? What am I left with then? 

It's hard to take everything into consideration as our lives are very difficult and we have both put our relationship under a lot of stress with trying to get him a job on the riggs etc 

On one hand I think I'm way to young to be in such a serious relationship but then also why wouldn't I fight .. I just sometimes wonder if maybe it's not the right time for us? Maybe if we had met at another time or better time?   

Where do I find a guy who wants to spend as much time with me as I want to with him? 

I want someone who's reliable, who's there for me, who surprises me, who makes small pda's or on social media. I want someone who can express their feelings for me, someone who always wants to make me smile and kiss me a little longer but why do I always feel like I want something unreasonable? 

Why am I not happy? 

Tonight Danny came and got me from the train station and then rushed off to do some over time and it just didn't make me as happy as I'd like it too. I think it's because he had the day off and all he'd done was taken the rubbish to the skip.. But not all of it, no cleaning nothing else that he wanted to. 

I'm seeing him Wednesday but he's again on night shift so we won't have a lot of time together. I just have an unexplainable upset feeling.